The world collectively gasped when news broke that Keanu Reeves — Hollywood’s universally adored “nicest guy alive” — and his beloved mother had both been rushed to the hospital in critical condition. But in typical Hollywood fashion, within minutes the news went from tragic to downright absurd, as rumors, speculation, and conspiracy theories began to spiral completely out of control.

At first, fans thought this was a simple case of food poisoning. Perhaps Keanu and his mom had gone out for a nice dinner and ended up at a restaurant with a one-star health rating. But then insiders began whispering more outlandish theories: “It wasn’t the food,” one anonymous source insisted. “It was the soup spoons. They were cursed. Everyone knows you don’t stir chowder counter-clockwise on a Tuesday.”

Doctors, meanwhile, were reportedly “arguing in the hallway” over the diagnosis. One claimed it was exhaustion from Keanu being too humble for too long. Another suggested his mother had simply overdosed on pride from raising a man so universally perfect. A third doctor dramatically shouted, “It’s Hollywood itself that’s killing them!” before storming out to pitch the idea for a Netflix documentary.

Social media, naturally, took things to another level. On Twitter, hashtags like #PrayForKeanu, #DarkForcesInHollywood, and bizarrely #BanSoupSpoons began trending. TikTok creators immediately reenacted Keanu fainting in slow motion, while conspiracy theorists on Reddit concluded that the entire incident was staged by Marvel in order to recruit him for the next Avengers reboot.

Hollywood insiders are equally baffled. “We don’t know what to do,” one producer admitted. “When most celebrities go to the hospital, people shrug. But Keanu? This man gives up his subway seat, buys motorcycles for stuntmen, and probably rescues kittens from burning buildings on his lunch break. If he and his mother are in danger, then maybe humanity itself is doomed.”

Meanwhile, tabloids are having a field day. One headline screamed: “Keanu’s Secret Double Life: Did He Fight Ninjas With His Mom?” Another claimed that his mother was actually the inspiration for The Matrix and had been keeping her time-bending powers a secret all these years. One gossip magazine even suggested the hospitalization was a cover-up for Keanu undergoing surgery to finally remove the Fountain of Youth from his bloodstream.

And let’s not forget the fans outside the hospital. Reports claim hundreds have gathered with candles, guitars, and handwritten notes, singing ballads about how the world doesn’t deserve a man as kind as Keanu. One particularly dramatic fan shouted, “If Keanu doesn’t make it, we riot!” before fainting into a puddle of their own tears.

The question remains: what really happened? Did they both slip on the same banana peel? Were they attacked by rogue paparazzi drones? Or is it, as some are now claiming, the work of a “dark force” — perhaps jealous Hollywood executives finally tired of Keanu making everyone else look bad?

For now, no one knows. Doctors continue to “argue passionately,” insiders keep whispering cryptic nonsense, and Hollywood remains in shock. But if history has taught us anything, it’s this: Keanu Reeves always finds a way to bounce back. Whether he’s dodging bullets in The Matrix, taking out entire armies in John Wick, or simply smiling politely while the internet explodes with rumors, Keanu is resilience personified.

As one fan put it best: “If Keanu and his mother survive this, it’ll prove once and for all that love, kindness, and maybe cursed soup spoons can defeat any dark force out there.”